When I had my son, I was told that unless I let him cry on nights when I didn't want to get up with him or I didn't want to feed him, then he would end up a needy, demanding, spoiled, child who wouldn't
sleep through the night until he was three years old. This went against my mother's instinct and so I was so relieved when
I learned that 60% of American mothers do not practice this method anymore. In fact, no mothers did until the 20th Century
when the same people who encouraged mothers to stop breastfeeding (and to whip their children) also said parents should
stop listening to their childs needs and instead force them to be another way. I began learning about the attachment style of parenting
which made so much more sense to me. My son has only benefited from this - there has not been one negative result.
He has always been independent, gentle, sweet, and even acting appreciative towards me for as long as I can remember (a surprise,
since I didn't know that was possible for infants).
He naturally started sleeping 5 hrs no interruptions during the night at two months old, 8 hrs at three months old,
and 12 hrs at four months old. However, between months 5 thru 9 the majority of the time he woke up twice each night. . .but it was only for 5 minutes each time (after the age of two weeks old he was never up for more than that).
Some people said obviously that amount of time meant there wasn't a "reason" and so he would continue this pattern for years unless we let him cry it out. WRONG.
Since the age of 9 months old he has slept EVERY SINGLE NIGHT with no interruptions for 11 hrs. I believe it was because we tended to his needs that he stopped waking up. We never co-slept, but we support attachment parenting!
(I wrote a post about this style of parenting in my post, Attachment Parenting.) Here are excerpts from 4 posts when I talked about "our ride":
June 23, 2008:
The PA at our pediatrician's office said that we can start training Logan to sleep through the night now, by letting Logan cry it out. But I don't feel right about that. On the one hand, I'd love to sleep 8 hrs straight through again! On the other, it would still be a while before I could actually do that since not coming to Logan's room will make him scream for a lot longer than getting up for five minutes to nurse him (that's how long he is awake during the night; he always falls asleep immediately after I nurse him for 5 minutes). Also, what if something is wrong? My aunt did that once with her firstborn and then said "never again" after she went in the next morning and her son had thrown up all over himself (babies have been known to choke and die that way). Finally, these days he doesn't scream anymore. He will if whatever the situation is continues--but now when he cries it's a very soft, cute cry that's apparent he just wants to alert me. Then, he's so happy when I come to him. I somehow think that if he was expecting me and I didn't come it would start causing security issues.
We were told both in our childbirth class and by the staff at the hospital after he was born that you can't spoil a baby under six months old, so now is not the time to make him "toughen up" and be on his own for 8 hrs. For the past couple of weeks he's been sleeping 5 hrs straight through every night, which means we only get up twice each night. This is actually better than the average. From everything I've read, most brestfed babies this age wake up three times a night and most experts say it is too early to expect them to sleep 8 hrs through the night.
July 7, 2008:
From everything I've read, "on average," it takes babies 4 months to sleep 8 hrs straight through. (But many parents "train" their babies to do it earlier by letting them cry it out which I'm not okay with.)
I don't mind letting Logan cry for up to 5 minutes now (until now at 2.5 months old I had always rushed to him immediately--even when I was going to the bathroom :p) but he's never cried for more than that. (*And that was still true past a year old)
Because, according to The Mother Magazine, "there is a dramatic fluctuation in blood flow during extended crying which decreases cerebral oxygenation and causes an increase in cerebral blood volume. This increases intracranial pressure and puts the baby at risk for an intracranial haemorrhage. At the same time, the blood, by now oxygen-depleted, flows into the systemic circulation, rather than into the lungs."
Yikes. I admit I spent my pregnancy doing a lot of research about pregnancy but nothing about parenting. I guess now's the time to start figuring it all out! I did some research and decided I support what is called "attachment parenting." (This is the opposite of CIO.) You can read about what these two terms mean by clicking on the following link: The Potential Dangers of Letting Your Baby Cry.
*By Logan's third month birthday on July 18, he was sleeping 8 hrs straight thru the night on his own, and by his four month birthday on August 18 he was sleeping 12 hrs straight every night. However, around five months old in September, he began waking up two times a night again for only two minutes!
October 13, 2008:
I hate when I hear people say that it's okay to just let babies cry because it teaches them independence.
From everything I've read, it is obvious that teaching babies to be independent is going against nature (they're not supposed to be independent)! Babies need to know that you're there for them. Rather than become "tougher," babies who are left to cry stop because they "give up." They've learned they can't count on their parents for love and security.
That sounds so sad to me! If there are two people who Logan should always be able to count on for love & security, no matter what, they are his parents--that's what we're here for!
In my previous post I gave a link to an article that explained how rather than become spoiled, children of attachment parenting learn empathy from seeing their parents come to them--so it is a myth that letting babies cry it out is preventing them from becoming brats. Studies show those not left to cry grow up to be more secure and content as adults. Before the age of six months you should not even consider letting a baby cry--it is impossible to spoil them. But what about at six months old and later. . .where Logan & I are now?
According to an article on Associated Content, "If a baby cries, something is wrong. A parent's natural instincts are not wrong. It is a parent's duty to check on the baby and determine what is wrong. It is a parent's duty to provide the relief and comfort the baby needs to deal with whatever is bothering it." The article goes on to say, "Babies have a great variety of cries to express how they feel at the moment and what their needs are. They can't talk. Crying is their way to communicate."
I know there are colicky babies out there that will cry for hours with no relief, so a parent HAS to leave them in order to not go insane! I've also blogged in the past that there have been a few times in Logan's nearly six months when he will fuss for what appears to be no reason and nothing I do gets him to stop, so sometimes I will walk away to see if he will cease on his own. Sometimes he does but other times he'll get to a "you've abandoned me" cry and there's no way I can let him get that upset! It brings tears to my eyes because even if I can't stop him from crying, I want him to know that I am still trying & there for him.
What both sides seem to agree on is that if a parent is feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or mad then, yes, it is better to let the baby cry rather than to be holding that child and shake it or anything like that! But I have never even gotten the tiniest bit angry or frustated at Logan yet--my reason for wondering how long we do this is because I don't know how long this waking up for a few minutes each night is going to last. :~
But, I researched this topic again--only for "after six months old"--and I can rest-assured that I'm not setting Logan up to be needy and demanding. I'm sure there will be more times in the future like what we've already had when I will have to walk away when I'm making it worse (the article from before says this is most common when babies have been overstimulated. "Any walking, singing, rocking, and other comfort measures will just add to the over-stimulation your baby is experiencing. It would only intensify the discomfort your baby is experiencing. Instead your baby will learn to deal with these emotions on their own, while you can take a breather and a small rest.")--but it's not going to be something that I will intend to do whenever he cries or do often of just because "I" don't think he should be crying.
Therefore, I'm going to continue to feed him when he gives a hungry cry, help him go to sleep when he gives a tired cry, hold him when he gives a needy cry, and play with him when he gives a bored cry. That is being a mother!!!!
Even when he's an adult--I won't be able to take pain that he has away, but I will always let him know that I'm there for him. But when he wants to be alone, I'll give him that. I'm confident that he'll learn independence, not getting his way, etc. all at the proper & healthiest times.
So far, all that's come out of attachment parenting is that Logan's healthy, SUPER happy (as everyone who meets him says), and definitely knows he's loved--so until I see something negative come from it, I'm not going to force against my instinct.
December 21, 2008:
I think there is definite pressure for parents nowadays to have babies sleep consistantly thru the night, every single night, which I've discovered isn't natural for most babies! According to About.com:
You have probably heard that babies should start "sleeping through the night" at about 2 to 4 months of age. What you must understand is that, for a new baby, a five-hour stretch is a full night. Many (but nowhere near all) babies at this age can sleep uninterrupted from midnight to 5 a.m. (Not that they always do.) A far cry from what you may have thought "sleeping through the night" meant!
What's more, while the scientific definition of "sleeping through the night" is five hours, most of us wouldn't consider that anywhere near a full night's sleep for ourselves. Also, some of these sleep-through-the-nighters will suddenly begin waking more frequently, and it's often a full year or even two until your little one will settle into a mature, all-night, every night sleep pattern.
So I was actually lucky that Logan slept 8-12 hrs uniterrupted during months 3 & 4, but I had no idea it was not practical to think that was going to last for the rest of his life. There is a lot of false information out there! I can't even tell you how many people acted like Logan was late for sleeping 8 hrs straight through every night at 3 months old--or when he did 12 hrs every night at 4 months old! The above article started off by saying, "The danger to a new parent is that these tidbits of misguided advice (no matter how well-intentioned) can truly have a negative effect on our parenting skills and, by extension, our babies' development -- if we are not aware of the facts. The more knowledge you have the less likely that other people will make you doubt your parenting decisions."
I wish I would have done more research in the beginning rather than listen to the people who acted like something was wrong with Logan when he began waking up again during his fifth month. It made me feel like my son was bad or something, when I've come to learn he's actually a better sleeper than the average! We hardly ever have to do anything to get him to sleep (he wants to go right to sleep when we put him in his crib) and 90 seconds is the average for how long he is up when he does wake up in the night. I'm not impressed with people who tell me their kids started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old because they let them "cry it out." To me, that's like someone beating their kids and saying, "My kids don't misbehave!"
Logan almost always has a reason for getting me up. Lately he started kicking his legs through the crib -- and now banging his head against the crib (he's an active sleeper). His pee also keeps leaking through his diapers, drenching his mattress pad, so of course he's going to wake up!
*On January 21, 2009 (at 9 months old) he slept the longest he ever had with no interruptions (12.5 hrs straight thru the night). After that he never woke up again during 10-11 hr nights. We had lowered his crib to the ground so that we could put the bumper pads in for the first time and that way he wouldn't climb on them to fall out of his crib (so this stopped him from kicking his legs thru) and we began using goodnight diapers and pull-ups so he wouldn't wake up drenched in urine. Since he weaned himself from breastfeeding on January 19, 2009, he obviously didn't want those two minutes of nursing or comfort anymore, either. During those 9 months I wondered if I would ever not be woken up by his cries again - but now those months really don't seem like they were that long of a time!
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